Greetings all. The month between my birthday (March 25th) and Earth Day aka my little brother’s birthday (April 22nd) in 2010 marks the roller-coaster month of being diagnosed. A month where I went from a 10 mile/day bike commuter to a woman who couldn’t gasp enough air to climb the stairs to her bedroom. And thus a collapsed lung was diagnosed and weeks later stage iv cancer. In that month I lost so much that was. Today I biked the hour each way to my 19th dose of chemo. Next week I have my three month look/see inside. The last two such check-ins were full of sad news. I hope this one is as close to dull as possible. Regardless, life is good.
I did not fret the plane’s departure. There were no papers to hang on to, no bags to lug, no crowds to survive. It was just time to go. And then there I was admiring the world above the cloud laden skies of Oregon – a rising red line marked the emerging sun, small eruptions like stepping stones for giants made me smile as I knew the clouds obscured massive mountain bases below. This journey would be just fine regardless of where it took me.
Yesterday at this time I was getting ready for the memorial of a friend. He died at 42 leaving behind a beloved wife and two young children. Cancer ransacked him. Cancer has me as well, metastasized since diagnosis and yet relatively well behaved compared to the sieges David endured in his 2 years. I prepare to close out my second year with cancer, dependent on chemo cocktails and regular cycles of ill days to stay alive, never knowing when the cancer will surge and end the tentative truce I pretend to have with it. I do know that soon I will surpass the prognosis of a 90% chance of being dead within two years. I am not smug. I get the creativity, control and chaos of my dance partner. But I am content.
Where is David now? He never mentioned death as an option as the rest of us counted down the days to his body’s complete retirement. By the end they were pouring chemo directly into his brain. It was always clear to me, his terminal sister on this journey, that his body was being asked to endure too much.
I dreaded the memorial because I had been so sick the days leading up to it due to an allergic response to my latest dose of chemo. I needed a walking stick. I could not afford to leak a tear, as my body was already so dehydrated. Armored with my gals as chaperones, whether to fight off death or any other assault on my system, we arrived in good cheer and stayed there as we got to know David, the husband of our colleague Grace, far better than we had in life.
The church was at capacity with formally attired folks, somber but grounded in the presence of so many children too young to cope with adult displays of grief. Hushed tones and sniffles took the place of keening. The grieving widow seemed more a bride – gorgeous, smiling, cuddling children in their world of play. Lighting funeral candles was fun when enveloped by relatives and attention. “Where is daddy?”, is a question they had asked far too much in the prior two years – the youngest was not yet three. They did not seem to wonder today.
It ended in the best of ways. I understood better why David was so special, why Grace built a life with him, why the crowd was so full and why he and I could be pals in the next world. I am trying to accumulate fun contacts on the other side.
For now my plane flies above the clouds. The sun reveals that another new day without David is fully in process. Everything I see is peaceful and I wonder why it is that I have been taught to fear death.
much love, marcy