It’s been a sobering week. Did I expect my cancer to return to visible status? Yes.
I thought it would wait through the summer and I never considered it would return in an immediately life threatening way. But it did and I get the situation.
My response was action since I still hold out for obtaining the greedy age of 72. Between my new physical realities, deep sadness and coordinating three major cancer centers in three states, even with great helpers, I was exhausted. Yesterday my only task was to get to OHSU and piss in a cup. And I said “no.”
I opted for a chair in the gorgeous sunshine, perfect breeze and faced my grim reality with my heart not my head. I might just have to say goodbye.
My husband intuited my reality and arrived home early. We sat together and talked end of life issues. It was lovely. It is what is within our control. The mood was deep and yet light and oh-so-tender.
This morning I awoke to an emailed copy of UPenn’s reading of my ct scan of last week. One issue I had had was, “where did my uterus go, when did I have a hysterectomy and why a vaginal cuff?”
But when your belly is full of cancer, you let go of the esoteric questions. The vast majority of women with ovarian cancer have a full hysterectomy as part of their debulking surgery. I did not. For some reason when I transferred to OHSU they decided I had a hysterectomy. It’s led to a little chaos like being denied a pap smear because I don’t have a cervix. I don’t. How do you know that? I think I have a cervix. Who snuck in and grabbed it and why? These are the kind of mess-ups that entertain me too much.
And then this morning at 7 am UPenn informed me that they found my uterus. It is just where it is supposed to be! I have a cervix, no vaginal cuff and, sigh, still a belly full of cancer that they declared having greater spread then OHSU. You win some. You lose some.
I sit with my grief in my heart, it is very real, but I refuse to lose my wit and sense of what I love about being alive.
As I pack a suitcase full of pills for my Monday travels, I sigh at each new bottle that offers to offset some side effect of treatment. I will come back feeling much more poorly. These drugs help and hinder. I pack not quite believing that my short break is over but knowing that if the sun is shinning when I am in NYC that will be enjoyed lavishly by me because that is within my control.